Something Crazy...

I realized that I have yet to share anything here about the incredible journey I am on. A journey that will change me forever. And a journey, I know it sounds lame, that will hopefully change the world forever. I am walking 60 miles over three days in the Dallas/Forth Worth Breast Cancer 3 Day.

I am walking with my SIL, Jacqueline, in memory of my mother-in-law Theresa who lost her battle nearly 2 years ago. I am walking to honor her memory, to continue on her legacy of volunteerism, and to pay it forward to the people that worked to give her 20 years to watch her boys grow up. But it has definitely become more than that. I am walking because I believe in a world without breast cancer. Not because I want to. Because I have to. Because the thought of my baby girl losing another Grandmother...an Aunt...a friend...her Mama...the thought of me losing *my* baby girl to this awful disease is, well, suffocating.

Yes, 60 miles is a long way. And, yes, blisters, lost toenails, and sore muscles generally don't top my list of ways to have a good time. And even worse, raising $2,300 from friends and family- many of whom are struggling to make ends meet- is terrifying. (But! Check out my page! I have raised 70% of my funds!) But I can walk. And I will walk. I will take feet full of blisters 10 times over if it brings us even one step closer to a cure.

I have been so humbled by all of the support I received. I have raised $1,600! But today was by far the most thoughtful show of support yet. My boss walked into work today with a gigantic pink gift bag. One of our teacher's was celebrating a birthday today so I assumed it was a gift for her. Come to find out this entire bag of wonderfulness was for me! The idea started when Malak found a pink snuggie. She was going to buy it and give it to me with a note about relaxing after my race. But, the snuggie was not enough. She proceeded to buy me seriously every breast cancer pink item she could find! (And, unless you are living under a rock- I am sure you are well aware that Breast Cancer Awareness month= pink overload!) There was the snuggie, a t-shirt, pins, pens, a jeweled hat, socks, coffee mugs/travel cups, chapstick, a beanie baby, candy, headbands...Not only do I *love* that proceeds from these gifts were donated to a great cause, but it just made me feel so grateful to know that I have such an incredible group of people cheering me on.

So, I might be crazy. I'm a little scared. I'm emotionally overwhelmed at the thought of the race and most likely unprepared for how big this event will be. But, I'm excited! All of your prayers and support are appreciated. Wish me luck!!

A Rash!

I have never in my life been more happy to discover a rash than I was this afternoon! After a week of a sick, puny, feverish baby the rash is here and my baby girl is back to normal! The verdict- roseola. The rash- a welcome sign that the virus is gone and my baby girl is better!

There is perhaps nothing more heartbreaking than having a sick baby. It was bad enough that my little trouble maker wanted to do nothing except lay on her Mama's chest ALL WEEK. (Don't be mistaken-while my heart was breaking I was also enjoying every minute!) But things got worse when we had to make an emergency trip to the doctor so they could run some tests. Poor thing braved through having blood drawn and having a catheter put in to get a urine sample among other uncomfortable procedures. She was a serious trooper, and all said and done, I think it was probably harder for me than it was for Abby. We'll add this one to the list of things nobody tells you about being a Mom.

I would have given anything for Abby to not be sick, but man did I love that time at home with her! I am more myself when I am being Abby's Mommy than any other time. It is the most fulfilling, fantastic job and it was so nice to be able to do it uninterrupted. One day, in a perfect world, we can figure out a way for me to do that more often.

So, my piggytailed Princess is covered in a rash. But smiling. And running. And back on her quest to systematically empty every unlocked cupboard in the house. (Note to self- some more cabinet locks, though EXTREMELY tedious, would probably be a good investment.) Our house is once again filled with that sweet, infectious giggle and I couldn't be more thrilled!

memories

Tonight I put Abby down for bed and sat outside for a few minutes with Sophie. Today was a ridiculously hot day, but tonight turned out to be beautiful. Clear skies. Still warm, but bearable. The warm breeze felt great and as I closed my eyes to take it in I was flooded with a pre-baby memory. (Most days I have a hard time remembering life before Abby. Tonight I was glad I did.)

I remember being very pregnant. Close to nine months. I was wearing a sports bra and comfy pants. (The staple of my lounging pregnancy attire.) Chris a t-shirt and khaki shorts. There was nothing special about that particular evening, except that we were home with nothing to do but spend time together. I remember sitting on the patio. Holding hands. Watching the puppy run through the yard. Watching the stars. I remember that same warm breeze hitting my face.

I don't think I realized that that evening would have any profound impact on me. I don't even remember exactly what we talked about. What I do remember is being overcome by a feeling that I was in exactly the right place at exactly the right time with exactly the right person. I remember wondering if I could ever be happier than I was in that moment. I remember feeling so thankful that I was starting a family with this man that I loved more than anything in the world.

What a journey we have been on since then. Starting our family has done incredible things for our relationship. It has also put a strain on our relationship that is hard to explain. I need to remember to let myself slow down more often. Long enough to soak in a refreshing breeze. Long enough to remember that feeling. Long enough to fall in love all over again with my incredible husband.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

To my sweet baby girl,

Happy Birthday, Boo Boo! It is hard to believe that you are a year old. It truly feels like yesterday when we found out you were coming, when we heard your heartbeat for the first time, when we first felt you kick, when you FINALLY decided to come out, when we introduced you to Sophie for the first time... I could go on forever because the past year has been a string of fabulous moments. You have made us so very happy. And as much as I am going to miss you being a baby, I am so excited to watch you grow into the sweet little girl you are becoming.

You had a wonderful birthday! We spent a week in Chicago and you were spoiled absolutely rotten. We went to the zoo. (You loved all the animals especially the fish and big cats, but your favorite animal was the polar bear. You thought he was SO funny!) On your actual birthday Grammy made you lasagna, Mommy made you a cupcake cake, and you spent your evening dancing on the table and opening presents. For your party we had everyone over to your Nana's house for a huge celebration. Complete with help in the kitchen, caviar dip, more cupcakes than you could eat in a year, and plenty of people to play with. A party fit for a princess, and you had a great time. Your favorite present was a musical Noah's Ark from Mommy's friend Lindsay.

You are loving life as a big girl. You started walking at about 10.5 months and have not stopped moving since. Seriously. You are the busiest baby I have ever met. I treasure the moments in between your exploration when you stop for a quick hug and kiss...and then you are off again!

Your new obsession is animals. All kinds really, but dogs are your favorite. Daddy likes to play puppy videos for you on You Tube. You get all kinds of excited, shaking and screaming at the screen. You even enjoy woofing back at them :) You also have an incredible talent for spotting dogs and other animals, real or on packages, from a mile away. But don't be fooled, Sophie is still your favorite and remains the ultimate source of entertainment.

You still love music and dancing. Someone told me the other day that they were certain you were going to be a dancer when you grow up because you are so light on your feet and didn't clomp around like most toddlers. You can thank your Daddy for this. And when your friends make fun of you when you are older for doing the "jumpy" dance, please remember that your uncoordinated Mama loves you more than anything.

Your are still a little Diva. You are really good at temper tantrums, excellent at high pitched screaming, and generally well versed in how to get everything you could ever need/want from Mommy and Daddy. Please don't misunderstand. While your goal is to be terribly angry you mostly come off as adorable. And while I am excited for this phase to pass, I hope you never lose that passion and fire.

You still only have two bottom teeth. And two top ones that are desperately trying to make their way in. This in no way stops you from enjoying food-anything and everything. Still nothing green, but other than that you are a little garbage disposal. You would never guess it though- you are only 20.5 pounds...but much taller than most kiddos your age. You have the most beautiful tall and slender body with just the slightest Buddha belly- a baby requirement. You have much more hair now and Mommy loves to put bows in your hair. You mostly love the bows, but much prefer them in your mouth.

You will learn very quickly as you grow older that Mommy cries at almost everything. Just the thought of you is enough to get me going. I am so proud of you. I am so in love with you. I am so happy to be your Mommy.



And even though I won't be able to always give you the best of everything, I hope that I can give you the security in knowing that you are deeply loved. Not just by Mommy and Daddy. But by so many. And not just by friends and family, but by an awesome God who is with you wherever you go. I hope that I can instill a confidence in you that will allow you to grow into the passionate, beautiful, and intelligent girl you are already becoming. I hope I can give you the peace to wake up every morning remembering that you are the one and only ever you, that you are special, and loved, and appreciated. And that you have given us an incredible gift by just being you!

I love you Tooty Boot!

Mommy

Oh So Tired

There are several pertinent facts about my life these days. For the sake of staying awake long enough to finish...bullets it is :)

-I am tired all the freaking time. Working long days. And it seems like our schedule has been in a constant state of motion. With the Race for the Cure this weekend and then Abby's birthday party/Chicago trip coming up on the horizon there is no forseeable sleep time in my near future.

-There are no words to describe the emotional rollercoaster that is being the Mama of an almost 1 year old baby girl. And I use the word baby loosely. Because seriously there is no baby-ness going on over here. Abby is walking. WALKING. Sometimes running. Always giggling about something. Always getting into something. ALWAYS has that adorable look of mischief on her face. My heart is bursting with pride every time I look at her. And breaking at the same time, because I honestly have no comprehension of where the past year has gone.

-I have baby fever something fierce. I'm trying to live vicariously through friends at the moment. We'll see how long I can hold out. Chris is hoping a year. I'm not ready to give myself that much credit.

-I could really use a second job to support my party planning habit. I have a succesful bridal shower and bachelorette party under my belt. Now I have redirected the focus to Abby's party. I *love* parties.

-Being at a bachelorette party with mostly single people made me feel really old. I could sing you a medley of Laurie Berkner. But the latest club songs? Not so much. However, I think a girls night out was probably a really good thing for me. Not only to have a chance to let loose, but to take time to appreciate the incredible life and husband I have. I have a tendency to remember to take care of everyone but myself. I should remember myself more often.

-Work is surprisingly good. I think there might be another fork in the road coming soon, but for right now I am content. And, more importantly, Abby is content. Regardless of anything else I adore the people I work for, agree with and support their vision for their school/students, and honestly feel like I am able to make my family, my baby, my number one priority.

There are a million (at least) more thing I meant to write down. But if I fight the sleep much longer the window will be gone and I will be up all night. Which never makes for a fun Mama. One pertinent fact about my life that is always constant. I need my sleep. I love my sleep. And off I go :)

Update

I've started at least a million almost blogs in the past couple of weeks. Needless to say, life has been busy. And while I have so much to say, I can never quite muster the strength to get it all out. Sleep is just so darn tempting. But the only think keeping me from writing this afternoon is cleaning. And, to be very honest, I am very easily distracted when it comes to that :)

I am happy to report that things are considerably better since my last gloomy post. It was so very appropriate that my first week back was Holy Week. The reflection was so needed. And the mourning of my Savior dying on the cross and the subsequent celebration of my Lord rising from the dead helped center me. My God is good. My God keeps his promises. My God has a plan far beyond my understanding.

Abby has adjusted so well to her new school. She really likes her teachers. She has new friends. And despite weathering the attacks by the class bully, she seems to be happy. And while there is so much more that I want for her, and even though I am painfully aware of the "better" life I dreamed of for her, I know that she is being very well taken care of.

Life as a working Mom is a serious adjustment. We have eaten so much take out. The house is a mess. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance my schedule. And I am endlessly tempted to come home from work, not put Abby down for a moment, and then head straight to bed. I like (for the most part) what I am doing. I'm pretty sure that if this whole working Mom thing has to be my new gig that this job will not be forever. I still have my resume out, am still looking, and still entertaining some possibilities for going back to school. How I would ever manage to work, be a mom, oh yeah- a wife too, AND go to school is beyond me. But might be a necessary step for my mental health. And since everyone knows that a happy Mama equals a happy home, it is probably a wise decision.

So, our little Hammy Fam presses on. We are moving forward blessed. And thankful. And free of swine flu. For now... :)

A mess...

So, I have a new job. I am the Office Assistant at a beautiful new school in Allen. The job itself is probably going to be fine. Probably. I am basically doing the same thing I was doing before, which I enjoy. I think I can be happy there. But...

I'm just an emotional mess. And I don't even know where to begin. There is just so much on my heart. So much to say. And yet, when I try to explain it? There just aren't any words.

I *know* that I need to work. And I *know* that Abby needs an adjustment period, after which she will be perfectly contented with the fact that she spends her day with someone other than her Mommy. My head *knows* that this is not the end of the world. But my heart is not there yet.

My heart tells me-all day, as I listen to my sweet baby cry for her Mama (through 2 closed doors), that there is not one single person on the face of the planet as qualified as myself to take care of Abby. She is being taken care of. I know that she is safe. But she is not getting the best. Plain and simple. And I am wracked with guilt.

Oh, Naps!

One of the Moms in our Kindermusik class walked in late to class yesterday. "Sorry, I had to wake Madison up from her nap after only an hour. She usually sleeps for 3." And thus begins the typical new mom nap conversation. For once, I was happy that Abby and I were in the majority-she is not the only baby who has a difficult time napping. And while it is nice to know I'm not alone, these conversations always take a turn that I just can't relate to. "I would kill for a 3 hour nap...imagine what you could get done...I *live* for nap time."

I'm not going to lie. The thought of 3 quiet hours all by lonesome is appealing. And my housekeeping skills, which can leave quite a bit to be desired, could really be benefited by that extra time.

But me? I live for the look on Abby's face when she realizes I have left the bedroom door open and the dog food unattended. And the subsequent chase that ensues. I live for the hysterical laughter that "This Little Piggy" causes. I live for the singing, the playing, the exploring, the snuggling, the drooly baby kisses. Some days I even live for the nap that we take together. I can't imagine how much I would miss out on if I was always watching the clock, eagerly anticipating the break.

Perhaps I developed this mentality to make myself feel better about the fact that my party girl of a baby would much rather be in the thick of the action than wasting daylight on a silly nap. I have never experienced that joy that is a 3 hour nap, maybe I would like it. Or perhaps this all stems from the fact that I am living out every dream I have ever had for myself. I'm raising a beyond beautiful daughter with a man that I am crazy about. And I don't want to miss one minute.

9 month letter

Dear Abigail,

You are now 9 months old. 9 months! This past month has been full of milestones. It seems like every day you are learning something new.

-You have mastered the art of crawling. And, oh my, can you move your little 17 pound (!) body quickly. You love that you can follow Mommy and Daddy everywhere they go and are having so much fun exploring new places. Your favorite new place is the dog food bowl and you make a dash for it any chance you get. So far you are mostly unsuccessful, to your complete dismay.

-You have learned how to pull up on all the furniture and even climbed the stairs while you were visiting Grammy. (You were in the process of chasing Kramer. You didn't catch him this time, but he better watch out at our next visit!) You love to pull anything and everything down off the coffee table. Your favorite treasure is a magazine. You love to "read" them and rip out the pages. We have to watch you though because you also enjoy snacking on them.

-My favorite recent milestone, by far, is peek-a-boo. You were never very interested in playing this game until you figured out how to do it yourself- and now you are endlessly entertained. You discovered this trick while we were out lunch with Grammy and Nana. I'm sure that the people around us were terribly irritated by all of us excitedly repeating "peek-a-boo" to you over and over again. We just couldn't resist; the excited smile you get after revealing your face is priceless. You are also getting pretty good at "So Big." This stems from your desire to be the center of attention. You *love* it when people clap for you!

-You finally have teeth! Two bottom teeth to be exact. I was surprised to find that this milestone was a very difficult one for me. Your teeth are a constant reminder that my sweet baby girl is growing up. And while I am so proud of the sweet little lady you are growing up to be, I am not ready (I might never be ready) to give up your babyhood. This sadness never lasts long though. You crack me up on a regular basis and your fabulous dance moves are reason enough to cherish the big girl you are becoming.

-Despite all the sweetness you have going on, you have also learned to throw a pretty serious temper tantrum. You feel emotion so much more strongly than other 9 month olds I have met. You play hard, you love strong, and when you get upset you are not afraid to show it. You are infinitely curious and want to explore everything. (Which also usually leads to said temper tantrums. "No" is not a favorite word!)

You love music and never miss an opportunity to dance. You love going for walks. You love laughing. You love cuddling. You love bath time. You love animals, especially dogs. You are happy and fun. Curious and so smart. Beautiful. You have been divinely gifted to bring something new, unique, and wonderful to the world. You have helped me to become a better person, and I know that is only the beginning. What a blessing to be your Mommy!

I love you, Biscuit!

Mommy

A start

I'm not sure why I decided it was a good idea to start a blog this afternoon. It might have been the looming piles of laundry I was trying to ignore. Or any one of the million and one things I could have done around the house to make good use of the first day in a long time that we had zero obligations. Who knows. But now that I have it, hopefully this will be a good place to share some of the joy that my beautiful family brings to my life! Perhaps I can force myself to be a little more dedicated than I was to my poor, neglected, LiveJournal. Stay tuned for updates.