A mess...

So, I have a new job. I am the Office Assistant at a beautiful new school in Allen. The job itself is probably going to be fine. Probably. I am basically doing the same thing I was doing before, which I enjoy. I think I can be happy there. But...

I'm just an emotional mess. And I don't even know where to begin. There is just so much on my heart. So much to say. And yet, when I try to explain it? There just aren't any words.

I *know* that I need to work. And I *know* that Abby needs an adjustment period, after which she will be perfectly contented with the fact that she spends her day with someone other than her Mommy. My head *knows* that this is not the end of the world. But my heart is not there yet.

My heart tells me-all day, as I listen to my sweet baby cry for her Mama (through 2 closed doors), that there is not one single person on the face of the planet as qualified as myself to take care of Abby. She is being taken care of. I know that she is safe. But she is not getting the best. Plain and simple. And I am wracked with guilt.

Oh, Naps!

One of the Moms in our Kindermusik class walked in late to class yesterday. "Sorry, I had to wake Madison up from her nap after only an hour. She usually sleeps for 3." And thus begins the typical new mom nap conversation. For once, I was happy that Abby and I were in the majority-she is not the only baby who has a difficult time napping. And while it is nice to know I'm not alone, these conversations always take a turn that I just can't relate to. "I would kill for a 3 hour nap...imagine what you could get done...I *live* for nap time."

I'm not going to lie. The thought of 3 quiet hours all by lonesome is appealing. And my housekeeping skills, which can leave quite a bit to be desired, could really be benefited by that extra time.

But me? I live for the look on Abby's face when she realizes I have left the bedroom door open and the dog food unattended. And the subsequent chase that ensues. I live for the hysterical laughter that "This Little Piggy" causes. I live for the singing, the playing, the exploring, the snuggling, the drooly baby kisses. Some days I even live for the nap that we take together. I can't imagine how much I would miss out on if I was always watching the clock, eagerly anticipating the break.

Perhaps I developed this mentality to make myself feel better about the fact that my party girl of a baby would much rather be in the thick of the action than wasting daylight on a silly nap. I have never experienced that joy that is a 3 hour nap, maybe I would like it. Or perhaps this all stems from the fact that I am living out every dream I have ever had for myself. I'm raising a beyond beautiful daughter with a man that I am crazy about. And I don't want to miss one minute.