I'm a crier.  A sad crier.  A happy crier.  A parade crier.  I cry a lot and tend to carry the weight of my emotions for better or worse.  So, it probably didn't come as any surprise to my sweet girls when I cried the whole way home from dance class today.

You see, my heart is heavy.  Heavy with the weight of a broken, hurting world.  Heavy with the weight of the loud voice in my head pleading for justice, and action, and relief.  And heavy with the guilt of feeling like there is absolutely nothing of worth I can do to add to the solution.

Combine that with the fact that my baby girl turns 2 tomorrow. 2.  My not-so-baby baby is turning 2 and I can't understand how those years could be so full of life and love and laughing and still pass in the blink of an eye.  Slow. Down. Time.

And then, there was Abby in the backseat.  She hears the song "Do Something" come on the radio and asks me to turn it up.  So she can sing loudly and car dance like nobody's watching.

"I woke up this morning

Saw a world full of trouble now

Thought, how’d we ever get so far down

How’s it ever gonna turn around

So I turned my eyes to Heaven

I thought, “God, why don’t You do something?”

Well, I just couldn’t bear the thought of

People living in poverty

Children sold into slavery

The thought disgusted me

So, I shook my fist at Heaven

Said, “God, why don’t You do something?”

He said, “I did, I created you”

I caught her eye in the mirror as she proclaimed that last line loudly.  And I lost it. She continued- singing, car dancing, confident in her words.  

"If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it’s time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It’s not enough to do nothing
It’s time for us to do something."

And I listened.  And I sang along.  And I cried.  Because she believed the words.  And I was all at once flooded with the emotion of this incredible responsibility.  The responsibility of raising world changers.  Our future- our hope for a better tomorrow, was singing sweetly in my back seat.  And just...wow.  

And maybe I'm biased.  Maybe I'm over-thinking.  Over-analyzing.  Letting my emotions get the best of me. Or maybe, just maybe I can find a way to be true to this calling.  The calling of nurturing, empowering, preparing, and equipping my sweet girls to be the hands and feet of Christ to a broken world.  To help them live into this incredible purpose that God has created them for.  World changers.  Both of them.        

Update...

Since it has been forever and a year since I have updated over here I thought it might be in order. Everyone is napping. The house is quiet. And I will seize any opportunity to avoid laundry :)

Life has been slightly chaotic but overall wonderful around here lately. My work life has been stressful, busy, sometimes draining. But, I am trying my best to put up better boundaries and not work myself to death. (Friday was not a good example. 12 hour day. Ugh....slow process I guess.) Debate season is never my favorite. However, Chris has been doing an amazing job with his Debaters. Made a great showing at state and they get to move on to Nationals!! This has either never happened or it has been a really long time, I don't remember, but either way I am insanely proud of him and happy that all of the hundreds of hours he has logged outside of school are paying off. Remind me how proud I am when he is gone for Nationals the week of Abby's birthday and our Anniversary.

My sweet Abby is wonderful as always. Despite being a typical almost 2 year old with very typical tantrums and terrible two-ness going on, she is seriously one of the most easy going sweet baby girls I have ever met. Evidence of this was our trip to Chicago. Girlfriend loved and adored all of the new people she met, showed off all of her tricks, and even left some marveling at our incredible parenting skills. (Heheheh...way to go, Boo!) I am in amazement of the little lady she is becoming and she leaves us constantly entertained and rolling on the floor laughing.

The highlights:
-She loves to sing. LOVES. Her favorites include Baa Baa Black Sheep, Twinkle Twinkle, any song with an animal really, and, most recently, Baby Beluga. She sang her ABC's up to M the other day. (Maybe this is typical behavior, but holy cow I was convinced this was genius material!) She loves the jump up and down song and doesn't ever need an excuse to dance around like crazy. She also has started making up her own words to her favorite tunes. The apple does not fall far from the tree(s). :)

-Many mornings I wake up with Abby sleeping next to me. (We start her in her bed. She usually ends up in ours. I am more than ok with this co-sleeping arrangement and while I realize it is not for everybody, I can't imagine our life without it!) Whenever she sees us for the first time in the morning she will tell us "hiiiii" in her sweetest little baby voice. "Hiiiiii Mommy. Hiiiiiii Daddy. Hiiiiii Fifi." The cuteness really doesn't translate to print. But rest assured people, this is heart melting material right here. I've started hearing her say it through the door at school now too when she spots me. So stinking cute.

-In general, she has just really starting communicating more. Leading to an obsession with pointing out trash, and puppies, screaming "TOUCHDOWN" regardless of the sport on TV, and talking on her phone all the time. The other day Daddy called on his way home from work and they had a full on conversation his whole way home.

-She has started to take a huge interest in her baby dolls and stuffed animals. She walks around the house rocking them, patting their backs, pretending to change their diapers. Such a little nurturer. And she is still over the moon with her play kitchen and busily cooks up gourmet meals, often times for Sophie (Fifi), but Mommy and Daddy usually get some too.

-She loves to read. Sometimes the same book 12 times, but hey-can't argue with that! She loves to snuggle. She loves to run around and play outside. Overall she just loves life and it makes me so very happy!

It is incredible how fast time has gone by and almost inconceivable that she will be turning 2 in just a few short months. Oy!

In other news, Chris and I have both registered for the 3 Day this November! More to come, but I am so excited to share this experience with him!

And that's all for now. Still catching up from our week in Chicago. And still wishing we lived there. BUT thankful for all of our many blessings and thankful for an incredible husband to enjoy the ride with!

Something Crazy...

I realized that I have yet to share anything here about the incredible journey I am on. A journey that will change me forever. And a journey, I know it sounds lame, that will hopefully change the world forever. I am walking 60 miles over three days in the Dallas/Forth Worth Breast Cancer 3 Day.

I am walking with my SIL, Jacqueline, in memory of my mother-in-law Theresa who lost her battle nearly 2 years ago. I am walking to honor her memory, to continue on her legacy of volunteerism, and to pay it forward to the people that worked to give her 20 years to watch her boys grow up. But it has definitely become more than that. I am walking because I believe in a world without breast cancer. Not because I want to. Because I have to. Because the thought of my baby girl losing another Grandmother...an Aunt...a friend...her Mama...the thought of me losing *my* baby girl to this awful disease is, well, suffocating.

Yes, 60 miles is a long way. And, yes, blisters, lost toenails, and sore muscles generally don't top my list of ways to have a good time. And even worse, raising $2,300 from friends and family- many of whom are struggling to make ends meet- is terrifying. (But! Check out my page! I have raised 70% of my funds!) But I can walk. And I will walk. I will take feet full of blisters 10 times over if it brings us even one step closer to a cure.

I have been so humbled by all of the support I received. I have raised $1,600! But today was by far the most thoughtful show of support yet. My boss walked into work today with a gigantic pink gift bag. One of our teacher's was celebrating a birthday today so I assumed it was a gift for her. Come to find out this entire bag of wonderfulness was for me! The idea started when Malak found a pink snuggie. She was going to buy it and give it to me with a note about relaxing after my race. But, the snuggie was not enough. She proceeded to buy me seriously every breast cancer pink item she could find! (And, unless you are living under a rock- I am sure you are well aware that Breast Cancer Awareness month= pink overload!) There was the snuggie, a t-shirt, pins, pens, a jeweled hat, socks, coffee mugs/travel cups, chapstick, a beanie baby, candy, headbands...Not only do I *love* that proceeds from these gifts were donated to a great cause, but it just made me feel so grateful to know that I have such an incredible group of people cheering me on.

So, I might be crazy. I'm a little scared. I'm emotionally overwhelmed at the thought of the race and most likely unprepared for how big this event will be. But, I'm excited! All of your prayers and support are appreciated. Wish me luck!!

A Rash!

I have never in my life been more happy to discover a rash than I was this afternoon! After a week of a sick, puny, feverish baby the rash is here and my baby girl is back to normal! The verdict- roseola. The rash- a welcome sign that the virus is gone and my baby girl is better!

There is perhaps nothing more heartbreaking than having a sick baby. It was bad enough that my little trouble maker wanted to do nothing except lay on her Mama's chest ALL WEEK. (Don't be mistaken-while my heart was breaking I was also enjoying every minute!) But things got worse when we had to make an emergency trip to the doctor so they could run some tests. Poor thing braved through having blood drawn and having a catheter put in to get a urine sample among other uncomfortable procedures. She was a serious trooper, and all said and done, I think it was probably harder for me than it was for Abby. We'll add this one to the list of things nobody tells you about being a Mom.

I would have given anything for Abby to not be sick, but man did I love that time at home with her! I am more myself when I am being Abby's Mommy than any other time. It is the most fulfilling, fantastic job and it was so nice to be able to do it uninterrupted. One day, in a perfect world, we can figure out a way for me to do that more often.

So, my piggytailed Princess is covered in a rash. But smiling. And running. And back on her quest to systematically empty every unlocked cupboard in the house. (Note to self- some more cabinet locks, though EXTREMELY tedious, would probably be a good investment.) Our house is once again filled with that sweet, infectious giggle and I couldn't be more thrilled!

memories

Tonight I put Abby down for bed and sat outside for a few minutes with Sophie. Today was a ridiculously hot day, but tonight turned out to be beautiful. Clear skies. Still warm, but bearable. The warm breeze felt great and as I closed my eyes to take it in I was flooded with a pre-baby memory. (Most days I have a hard time remembering life before Abby. Tonight I was glad I did.)

I remember being very pregnant. Close to nine months. I was wearing a sports bra and comfy pants. (The staple of my lounging pregnancy attire.) Chris a t-shirt and khaki shorts. There was nothing special about that particular evening, except that we were home with nothing to do but spend time together. I remember sitting on the patio. Holding hands. Watching the puppy run through the yard. Watching the stars. I remember that same warm breeze hitting my face.

I don't think I realized that that evening would have any profound impact on me. I don't even remember exactly what we talked about. What I do remember is being overcome by a feeling that I was in exactly the right place at exactly the right time with exactly the right person. I remember wondering if I could ever be happier than I was in that moment. I remember feeling so thankful that I was starting a family with this man that I loved more than anything in the world.

What a journey we have been on since then. Starting our family has done incredible things for our relationship. It has also put a strain on our relationship that is hard to explain. I need to remember to let myself slow down more often. Long enough to soak in a refreshing breeze. Long enough to remember that feeling. Long enough to fall in love all over again with my incredible husband.

Happy Birthday, Baby!

To my sweet baby girl,

Happy Birthday, Boo Boo! It is hard to believe that you are a year old. It truly feels like yesterday when we found out you were coming, when we heard your heartbeat for the first time, when we first felt you kick, when you FINALLY decided to come out, when we introduced you to Sophie for the first time... I could go on forever because the past year has been a string of fabulous moments. You have made us so very happy. And as much as I am going to miss you being a baby, I am so excited to watch you grow into the sweet little girl you are becoming.

You had a wonderful birthday! We spent a week in Chicago and you were spoiled absolutely rotten. We went to the zoo. (You loved all the animals especially the fish and big cats, but your favorite animal was the polar bear. You thought he was SO funny!) On your actual birthday Grammy made you lasagna, Mommy made you a cupcake cake, and you spent your evening dancing on the table and opening presents. For your party we had everyone over to your Nana's house for a huge celebration. Complete with help in the kitchen, caviar dip, more cupcakes than you could eat in a year, and plenty of people to play with. A party fit for a princess, and you had a great time. Your favorite present was a musical Noah's Ark from Mommy's friend Lindsay.

You are loving life as a big girl. You started walking at about 10.5 months and have not stopped moving since. Seriously. You are the busiest baby I have ever met. I treasure the moments in between your exploration when you stop for a quick hug and kiss...and then you are off again!

Your new obsession is animals. All kinds really, but dogs are your favorite. Daddy likes to play puppy videos for you on You Tube. You get all kinds of excited, shaking and screaming at the screen. You even enjoy woofing back at them :) You also have an incredible talent for spotting dogs and other animals, real or on packages, from a mile away. But don't be fooled, Sophie is still your favorite and remains the ultimate source of entertainment.

You still love music and dancing. Someone told me the other day that they were certain you were going to be a dancer when you grow up because you are so light on your feet and didn't clomp around like most toddlers. You can thank your Daddy for this. And when your friends make fun of you when you are older for doing the "jumpy" dance, please remember that your uncoordinated Mama loves you more than anything.

Your are still a little Diva. You are really good at temper tantrums, excellent at high pitched screaming, and generally well versed in how to get everything you could ever need/want from Mommy and Daddy. Please don't misunderstand. While your goal is to be terribly angry you mostly come off as adorable. And while I am excited for this phase to pass, I hope you never lose that passion and fire.

You still only have two bottom teeth. And two top ones that are desperately trying to make their way in. This in no way stops you from enjoying food-anything and everything. Still nothing green, but other than that you are a little garbage disposal. You would never guess it though- you are only 20.5 pounds...but much taller than most kiddos your age. You have the most beautiful tall and slender body with just the slightest Buddha belly- a baby requirement. You have much more hair now and Mommy loves to put bows in your hair. You mostly love the bows, but much prefer them in your mouth.

You will learn very quickly as you grow older that Mommy cries at almost everything. Just the thought of you is enough to get me going. I am so proud of you. I am so in love with you. I am so happy to be your Mommy.



And even though I won't be able to always give you the best of everything, I hope that I can give you the security in knowing that you are deeply loved. Not just by Mommy and Daddy. But by so many. And not just by friends and family, but by an awesome God who is with you wherever you go. I hope that I can instill a confidence in you that will allow you to grow into the passionate, beautiful, and intelligent girl you are already becoming. I hope I can give you the peace to wake up every morning remembering that you are the one and only ever you, that you are special, and loved, and appreciated. And that you have given us an incredible gift by just being you!

I love you Tooty Boot!

Mommy

Oh So Tired

There are several pertinent facts about my life these days. For the sake of staying awake long enough to finish...bullets it is :)

-I am tired all the freaking time. Working long days. And it seems like our schedule has been in a constant state of motion. With the Race for the Cure this weekend and then Abby's birthday party/Chicago trip coming up on the horizon there is no forseeable sleep time in my near future.

-There are no words to describe the emotional rollercoaster that is being the Mama of an almost 1 year old baby girl. And I use the word baby loosely. Because seriously there is no baby-ness going on over here. Abby is walking. WALKING. Sometimes running. Always giggling about something. Always getting into something. ALWAYS has that adorable look of mischief on her face. My heart is bursting with pride every time I look at her. And breaking at the same time, because I honestly have no comprehension of where the past year has gone.

-I have baby fever something fierce. I'm trying to live vicariously through friends at the moment. We'll see how long I can hold out. Chris is hoping a year. I'm not ready to give myself that much credit.

-I could really use a second job to support my party planning habit. I have a succesful bridal shower and bachelorette party under my belt. Now I have redirected the focus to Abby's party. I *love* parties.

-Being at a bachelorette party with mostly single people made me feel really old. I could sing you a medley of Laurie Berkner. But the latest club songs? Not so much. However, I think a girls night out was probably a really good thing for me. Not only to have a chance to let loose, but to take time to appreciate the incredible life and husband I have. I have a tendency to remember to take care of everyone but myself. I should remember myself more often.

-Work is surprisingly good. I think there might be another fork in the road coming soon, but for right now I am content. And, more importantly, Abby is content. Regardless of anything else I adore the people I work for, agree with and support their vision for their school/students, and honestly feel like I am able to make my family, my baby, my number one priority.

There are a million (at least) more thing I meant to write down. But if I fight the sleep much longer the window will be gone and I will be up all night. Which never makes for a fun Mama. One pertinent fact about my life that is always constant. I need my sleep. I love my sleep. And off I go :)